Shame

Shame is the belief that you are fundamentally defective or bad as a person, not that you did something wrong, but that you are something wrong. This distinction from guilt is critical: guilt says 'I did a bad thing.' Shame says 'I am bad.'

Shame is typically learned early, in environments where love or acceptance was conditional, where mistakes were treated as evidence of character rather than behavior, or where the child was held responsible for things beyond their control.

Shame is one of the most painful human emotions and one of the most resistant to change. It is difficult to examine because examining it requires revealing it, and shame is characterized by the belief that revelation is dangerous.

Shame hides. It manifests as self-sabotage, people pleasing, perfectionism, avoidance, and various other protective behaviors. The behaviors make sense when understood as attempts to manage or hide the underlying shame.

Research by Brene Brown and others suggests that shame requires secrecy, silence, and judgment to survive. Shame that is spoken to someone who responds with empathy loses much of its power. This is why therapeutic relationships are particularly effective for shame work.